Wednesday, November 26, 2014

don't blink

I remember as a kid the only thing I wanted was to grow up so I could do all the fun things my older siblings (I have 4!) did. Well, I mostly wanted to be in love and get married. Being an adult seemed so romantic and exciting. Of course I didn't know about paying for gas and rent and having to cook for yourself (I miss the days when my parents would make all my meals!). It's weird how fast time moves, and the older I get the faster it goes. 

Looking back on my life I smile at the memories that didn't even seem important at the time, but for some reason they turned into mile markers in my life that made me who I am. 

I remember a particular day when I was in Italy with my family and my sister and I were eating gelato on the steps of a fountain, away from everyone else. She told me about a toxic relationship she was in and how hurt she was. Later on her words came to me one night when I was feeling so defeated, and I realized that what she described was exactly how my current boyfriend was and everything finally clicked. At that moment I decided to never let a man make me feel bad about myself again. I decided that I needed to be confident and proud of who I was so something like that would never happen again. A couple years later I wrote an essay in college on that moment of clarity and my English professor told me it was the most moving essay he'd ever read from a student and he gave me the names of magazines that publish undergraduate pieces. I didn't want it published though, it seemed too personal for a bunch of strangers to read... and now here I am posting about it on my blog, hah.

I remember my first date with Josh. He picked me up at my apartment and when I opened the door he actually took my breath away, he was so attractive I couldn't believe it. During the date everything flowed and we just synced so rhythmically, like we were supposed to be together, like our souls had always been best friends. Towards the end of our first date I thought to myself, "I wonder if we'll get married one day." Then I blew the thought off and said to myself, "Okay, now that I thought that we definitely won't get married."

I remember the day I went to the gynecologist for an annual checkup, which was supposed to be just another day until the nurse came back and told me I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I started to cry and I held my stomach and promised my little baby and God that I would always love her and I would do everything I could to protect her. 

I remember once we took Madelyn home I felt like I had to be watching or holding her before it all slipped away and her tiny little hands and pudgy legs were just a memory that would make me smile for a brief moment from time to time (depressing much?). I hardly ever put her down those first few weeks, I never even left the house because I didn't want to share her with anyone else or miss out on anything.

Looking back I have too many memories that went by too quickly. Some are happy. Some are sad. But they all lead me to where I am and at least now I'm not wishing time away like I was as a child (seriously though, just ask my mom, the only thing I wanted as a kid was to be an adult. I've always been an old soul). 

Now that I finally know a thing or two about life I've learned to watch my baby sleep just a moment longer and take a mental picture that I can reminisce with later. When Josh and I have a moment alone I cuddle up next to him since I know those moments don't come as often as I'd like. And whenever Josh is playing with Madelyn and being the greatest daddy and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world I take another mental picture and know that one day that one will be one of my favorites.

Every moment is important and will only come once in your life and once it's over it's just a memory. So don't blink. Don't waste a second. Don't wish anything away because eventually all you'll be left with are memories that you wish you could relive over and over again.


1 comment:

  1. That was beautiful! I am really glad you are back to blogging! Posts like these are why I like your blog so so much!