It's hard to believe that 4 years ago I was stressing about where to go for undergrad and what to major in. I used to call my mom and just cry because I hated my major and wanted to switch again.
I ended up switching my major 5 times, literally, and now I'm starting my 9th semester, my last one before graduation.
I'm ready to be done with my major, but not really ready for what comes after.
+Since when does rent quadruple in the real world, and why do I suddenly have to pay for all the utilities? Shouldn't "garbage pickup" and "internet" be included? I think yes. And pet rent? Really? Really.
+Wait. Wait. Wait. I have to work everyday from 8-5 with no nap?
+Then there's my favorite question everyone's been asking, "Are you going to grad school?" I guess now's the time to figure all that out. And that's what scares me the most.
My biggest problem isn't getting my favorite professor, or ending up with the one who has the most ridiculous tests, or ending up in History of the English Language (no thank you). Instead it's what am I going to do for the rest of my life? I've always envied those people that knew day 1 what they wanted to be.
I'm always wondering where we'll end up. Will it be in the middle of nowhere? What if my BA in English won't get me a job there?
Being helpless and reliant on my husband's paycheck and knowing I'd be screwed if anything happened to him is my biggest fear in life. I've seen way too many sad stories of women who had to provide for their families unexpectedly, some had degrees and it was fine. Others had to go back to school, sell their homes, move their children all so they could earn a the degree.
I'm tired of people telling me to just have a baby when I say I don't know what to do. Or when I say "I'm thinking about law school" and they reply, "But you're a woman. Don't you want to be a mom?"
I'm sorry, but can a man not be a lawyer and a father? And since when are women not allowed to get the same education a man can get?
The first day of my sophomore year in college I was paired up with a middle aged women. She told me her story about how she got married really young, had a baby and dropped out of college. And then her husband lost his job. Then he hit her for the first time. He beat her because she didn't have dinner ready when he came home. He told her she was pathetic, and made her believe every hit was her fault. And then he hit their child, and she left him that night.
She moved all 6 of her children to Rexburg, ID where she started school as a new freshman in hopes of earning enough money to send her kids to school and support not only them but herself.
Life is unexpected. Josh could become disabled in a car accident or die. Just like that, everything can change.
So since when is an education on a women wasted?
This post turned into a huge feminism essay, so my apologies. But now you know what haunts me at night.
My thoughts are constantly on what I should do with my life. Should I get an MFA, MBA, MA? I've always wanted to be a lawyer, should I go to law school? Guess I should start studying for the LSAT or GRE or GMAT now.
But what am I supposed to be? I'm all grown up now, waiting for any inkling.
I feel like I worked too hard to be unemployed or limited one day. And I mostly feel too young to be done with school for forever.