Tuesday, November 25, 2014

putting a baby to sleep

Madelyn has always been difficult to get to sleep. When I was pregnant she would do these somersaults (even when she was way too big and definitely shouldn't have been, ouch) trying to get comfortable and figure out this new body of hers. And now that she's here I've come to realize just how very particular putting her to sleep is, because that girl likes what she likes when she likes it. No questions asked. From the way she's being held, to the pace of the simultaneous bouncing and rocking motion, and how the binkie is angled in her mouth you HAVE to get it right or else she won't even close her eyes for you. It took us a loooong time to figure out what she likes and as a result she cried for the first 8 weeks of her life straight, then only cried "most" of the time for another month after that. Good times. (Especially when we went jean shopping at the outlet mall and had to leave before buying anything since she was just not having life.)

Even though putting her to sleep can be a disaster, to put it lightly ;) sometimes that girl surprises me. Sometimes no matter how long I bounce/rock her she squirms and wiggles and sleepily opens her eyes and looks at me. Those are the times when I know she just wants to be close to me again, the way she was when we used to be one person and I was the only one who held her and knew her.

So I lay her down and I take off my shirt and hold her next to me as she slowly nurses and my heartbeat finally lulls her to sleep. Those moments are some of my favorites. I wonder if she remembers that she was inside of me for so long. Or that I have been protecting her and nurturing her for her entire life. I wonder if she feels safest when I'm close, when she can feel the warmth of my skin, and can listen to the familiar pitter patter of my heart.

Whenever she falls asleep with her cheek pressed up to my chest I remember what it was like to feel her delicate (and sometimes not so delicate) movements when I was pregnant with her. I remember that moment when she first entered the world and she was placed on my chest and our eyes met for the first time and there were so many tears, I like to think she was as excited to meet me as I was to meet her. I remember that first day when everyone was holding her and passing her around the room but the moment I started talking she'd turn to look at me, (like when you're in a room full of people you've never met with only your husband by your side and all you want to do is be next to him so you won't feel so intimidated or alone). I remember that whole first day, how she was so alert and would gaze up at me while I held her close, memorizing my face like she was finally putting a face to someone she's known forever but never actually met. I guess that really is the way pregnancy is though, knowing someone but not knowing what they look like. I remember just hours after having her I was the most exhausted I'd ever been and a nurse placed her on my chest and she curled into a little ball and fell asleep instantly, like she finally felt safe again. I remember how hard breastfeeding was but when I read online that I should put her skin to skin on my chest before nursing to calm her down something finally clicked with her and she started latching. 

Her closeness to me is natural and instinctive. And whenever she feels it too I know that she loves me as much as I love her and she needs me as much as I need her. 

Being a mother connects you to your child in a way nothing else does, or ever will. It's a love and a bond that can't be understood unless you've experienced it. Whenever I see a pregnant woman or a mother of a small child we nod at each other and silently acknowledge how sacred our lives are and how much we understand one another. Because only mothers comprehend the amount of love and admiration one has for their child.

When I was pregnant I was so incredibly sick. I vommited every 20-30 minutes throughout the day for months straight and went down 20 lbs. I was given an IV 4 times, and went to the hospital three times. It was the most miserable time in my life. But I would do it all over again just to meet that little girl even if it was just for a day.

She has changed me so deeply and infinitely. I have never been so protective. I have never been so selfless. I have never been so passionate. (I have never been so emotional, hah).  I am a better perosn because I am her mother.

While I was sick for those horrible months I wish I could have seen just one of the moments of her falling asleep on my chest, or the look in her eye when someone new is holding her and she realizes I'm not close enough and she whimpers and reaches for me. Because those moments are worth it. So very worth it.

And watching your perfect and beautiful baby sleep so softly is the greatest feeling in the world.


Monday, November 24, 2014

post partum fashion

That's right! My first fashion post since like last January (how embarrassing).  And don't get used to it, hah kidding ;) kind of. But seriously this is the most effort I've put into getting ready for the past 3 weeks and I'm still wearing yoga pants! 

A good day after having a baby is the equivalent to my laziest days before having a baby. Probably a little sad, but at least I got that little butterball down there. Oh the feelers from these photos! 

And can we take a moment to give Seattle a round of applause for producing the most magical and colorful autumn I've ever experienced. These pictures were taken in a little spot in front of our apartment complex that I'm kind of in love with. (The front part of our complex has big pretty trees and tons of little houses, but behind it is a total ghetto where tons of crime occurs. Super great stuff. But seriously, someone stole the Toyota logo off the front of our car the other day, who does that?! Like why is that of any value to anyone?)

Any way, Josh was trying to take my outfit pictures but he couldn't zoom or do many angles while holding Madelyn so I took her and she is making her first ever appearance in a fashion post, you go girl! 

So without further ado . . .

She totally has my nose and my eyes. 

She kept getting distracted by all the cars driving by. That girl loves being out and about and hates being cooped up at home which is the exact opposite of her homebody parents!

Hellooooo nursing boobs. Can I say that on the internet?

where I got it: Shirt - H&M (maternity) // Cardigan - Target // Pants - Gap (got those bad boys when I was in high school and they still fit, small win!) // Socks - Forever 21 // Shoes - Nordstrom Rack
 Madelyn's outfit: Jacket - Walmart // Onesie & Pants - gift from my friend Sadie // Socks - Old Navy

About a week after having Madelyn I decided to get out of my pajamas for the first time and realized that about 2 of my pre-baby shirts fit. It was depressing. There might have been a few tears, but moving on. I then ordered a few shirts from Forever 21 that were on sale and am now in this baggy shirt phase until the pouch is gone (so maybe forever? who knows.). 

As you probably saw the shirt above is a maternity shirt, definitely included in my current baggy shirt era, (which includes like 5 shirts I keep circling through) and is one of my favorites. Besides being balloon shaped on the bottom I love the color and pattern especially with my mustard yellow cardigan on top. And I usually don't wear yoga pants with most of my outfits, but we were going to Walmart and I didn't feel like changing my pants, so you do what you gotta do. 

Any way, hope you guys enjoyed the outfit, thanks for reading!


Sunday, November 23, 2014

the inflated world of blogging

Blogging is hard. (I kept trying to rewrite that sentence to sound more engaging, but hey, simplicity is all you need sometimes.) 

For a while now I've been wondering if I want to continue blogging and having this little place in the internet. There is so much expected of bloggers, you must post every day, you must always look impeccable, you need to have new clothes in every single post, and you better snap back into shape instantly after having a baby. 

It's so easy to feel inadequate. There are those big names that pull in thousands upon thousands of followers. You don't know how they do it but you're mesmerized by their success and how perfect their lives seem. They're beautiful, skinny, rich, have endless amounts of clothes. I've thought that maybe if I'm just like them I'll be successful too! But their lives have always seemed so unattainable for me. 

I look at Amber's blog and I know I'll never be as skinny and gorgeous as her. I'll probably never have as devout a following as Natalie that gets me a book deal. I won't have the fashion ideas or guts to pull off fur vests like Sydney. Or make $960,000/year from my blog like Rachel.

Blogging can make you feel like a failure in so many ways. It has made me more insecure because I felt like I needed to compete with these women which is practically impossible. 

But probably my least favorite part was feeling like everything I was doing had to be documented for my blog so all these fun outings felt unnatural and fake. I caught myself trying to paint my life more elegantly than it is and I shouldn't do that. I don't want anyone to feel bad about themselves because of me! I want everyone to feel empowered and like they aren't alone because of my blog. 

My husband is in school and I stay at home with my baby (which is a topic for another post entirely). I can't afford $1,000 shoes. I don't have someone to take my pictures and edit them with Photoshop every day. Heck, most days I don't even get out of my pajamas or brush my hair. I don't have an adorable home with hardwood floors and white walls. We live in an old apartment that's in a scary part of town where some days I'm afraid to leave because there are drunk men fighting outside or homeless people stationed by our car yelling at anyone who walks by.

For so long I've been afraid of being me because my life isn't glamorous. I'm a new mom in a new city that requires parallel parking everywhere I go and of course I have no idea how to parallel park (this subject also deserves a blog post of it's own). My husband is so busy with school because he's working incredibly hard. Right now we don't have the time or money to go on fancy trips and see the world. Our lives really aren't that interesting and we're pretty ordinary, which is hard when every blogger seems extraordinary. 

I guess the point of this post is to tell you guys that I'm just me. I'm a real person. I blog because I love writing and I love documenting my life experiences. And for now on I'm going to write about what I want to write about. I'm going to post frumpy, cheap outfits since that's pretty much all I wear and I won't feel ashamed to say I got my shoes from Payless anymore! I'll probably post about my baby a lot because she's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'll post about my insecurities. And I'll post about the happiest moments in my life. I don't want people to follow me because they want to be me or envy my life, but because they (you!) like my writing and like me as a person. 

So to all my readers, I vow to never make my life look more extravagant than it is and I'm going to try to be a blogger who is honest and real yet successful (and wears the same clothes over and over). 

Thank you for listening. Hopefully now I'll blog more since I won't feel required to have something witty along with a new outfit, pretty hair, a sweet backdrop, and edited pictures with every post (no wonder I pretty much stopped blogging for a while, ain't got no time for that!). And maybe now I won't feel like I'm selling my soul in order to blog, instead I'll feel like I'm sharing my soul for everyone to see.

Here goes one more shot at this whole blogging thing, wish me luck!

(Disclosure, I have absolutely nothing against those blogs mentioned above, I love them all and admire those women but I just need to be me in order to keep blogging and that was the point of this post.) 


Monday, September 8, 2014

firmoo eyeglasses review // 02

A little over a year ago I teamed up with Firmoo, an online prescription eyeglass store and now I'm lucky enough to do another review! (Original review here) Buying glasses alone is a struggle, I mean they practically have every shape, size and color these days. Not to mention glasses are way too expensive. And let's be honest each pair of glasses is made for a specific kind of face shape and sometimes it's a challenge to find that perfect pair.

But Firmoo makes the process as easy as possible. They let you pick what color and style you'd like. You can even upload a picture of yourself then put the pair of glasses you're considering on your face and see how they look. It's honestly so much easier than going into a store and having to try on 20 pairs before you find the right now. And one of the greatest perks are their low prices, I've never seen such a good deal on glasses. 

Not only do they send the glasses right away, but you receive a cute case to hold them in and a cloth to clean the glasses with. I loved Firmoo a year ago, and I still love them. Firmoo has made getting a pair of spectacles as easy as it should be and I highly recommend them.

(I received a complementary product to facilitate this post, I was not compensated.  All opinions are my own.)


Monday, September 1, 2014

life lately

I think it's time for another:" the good, the bad, and the funnies" post

The Good:

-All of Madelyn's little squeks and coos, SO adorable. I can't believe how quickly she's learning and growing.
-By the way, thank you everyone for all of the tips on curing colic. I don't know if Madelyn is just growing out of it, or if everyone's tips are really working but she has been SO much better! Going from 7 hours of crying to 1 is huge and I'm really hoping she stays this easy-going.
- Josh started dental school, which could be good or bad hah. He's so excited though and I love making him 5 course lunches every day.
- Madelyn had her baby blessing yesterday and was blessed in the same dress I wore when I was blessed, so tender!

The Bad:

-Madelyn's 2 biggest diaper blow outs happend to be in public while nursing. I'm starting to think I need to bring a change of clothes for both of us. This last one was at a doctor's office and I had to  walk out to my car with a giant circle of poop on my skirt.
-Now that Josh is 26 he got kicked off his parents insurance, boo for growing up.
-Baby girl is now in 3 month clothing, which I'm SO sad about. Can't believe how fast she's growing up.
- Flew with Madelyn a couple weeks ago and on the way home she cried the ENTIRE time, I felt so bad because I know she felt miserable but wow, that really shattered my nerves.
- This morning Josh and I woke up to baby poop on our bed and then shortly after our cat pooped on our bed too. It was one of those moments when I asked "Why me?".

The Funnies:

- Our cat Wendy is still suuuper scared of Madelyn. Whenever the baby cries she high tails it out of the room. You'd think after 3 months she'd get used to it, nope.
- The other night I was sitting in bed with Madelyn when I noticed a huge spider crawling down the wall. I called my cat and he then proceeded to eat it in one bite. In case you were wondering, that's why you get animals. The circle of life is a beautiful thing.

- I've been working on this post for a solid three weeks but as soon as I start typing Madelyn wakes up so I keep having to redo it with more recent updates.

Stay tuned for a Firmoo Eyeglasses review coming soon!